Radio Blues
by Urza
Summary: Another Barry-ish article thingy. DISCLAIMER: don't read this if you're in love with pop music. I don't like getting yelled at.


Today, after listening to the radio for hours on end while reading a particularly good book, I realized something: for the most part, modern music sucks.  
Now, before you start sending mail-bombs to my house, hear me out. I'm not necessarily saying that the music of other times is any better (I mean, c'mon, what can you say to every single happy, drug-inspired 60's and 70's song? Our music doesn't even come close), but the level of the actual music played and the level of the lyrics has degraded so much that I'm beginning to think that radio and/or music executives (collectively) have the approximate IQ of a can of Cheez Whiz.  
First, so as not to discount all modern music as the off-key, insipid whining of drum-beat addicts, I'll give you some examples of bands I actually like, whose lyrics are either a) pretty good/funny/whatever or b) are so far beyond the realm of reality that I can only say they're good (for fear that the artists will one day write a song about me) and whose music doesn't make my brain cells die (that was my last run-on sentence, I promise). Firstly, there's the Barenaked Ladies. Not as the name implies, the band is actually composed of (usually) fully-clothed men. I like this band because they have such cheery concepts, such as their song about a car crash ("The worst part was hitting the ground/Not the feeling so much as the sound"). Being such a chaotic person at whatever kind of heart I possess, this makes me very happy.  
Another band I like is Bon Jovi. While my mother steadfastly assures me that this band was an "80's hair band," a) it is no longer the 80's and b) I can't tell what their hair looks like through the radio, so I don't care. The allure from this band comes from the deep, reflective concepts that can be found hidden deep in their lyrics: "I just want to live while I'm alive." Wow. Just typing that line sends a shiver of awe through my body. There's just nothing more I can say.  
Anyway, I think I'm starting to get hypocritical (which, as we all know, leads to swelling and inflammation of the hip joints), so now I'll tell you why I think modern music is stupid: Britney Spears.  
By Herself, this woman has changed our music from Green Day (which I know everyone liked) to, well, Britney Spears. Now, I'm not trying to be mean; there are plenty of other examples of what I'd like to call (now, keep in mind, I made this up, so don't expect too much) "Spears-ism." Simply put, Spears-ism is when an artist sings about something so mind-numbingly stupid, she (or, in one case, Ricky Martin) tries to sell records by merely looking good. By good, I do not necessarily mean good as in loyal, nice, charitable, etc., but more along the lines of breast implants (or, in the same case as last time, not Ricky Martin...I hope). Other cases of Spears-ism, besides the case study, are Christina "Britney" Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez, who, besides not being a good singer, is a bad actress too.  
Look at this rationally: can you see, for example, the Temptations or Bruce Springsteen producing a song called "Hit Me Baby One More Time" or anything with the word "oops" in the title? If you answered "yes" to that question, I advise you to seek professional mental help as quickly as possible, and above all else, don't mention my name to anyone. Thank you.  
Now, I know most other people are upset with the inter-artist rapper wars, but I myself find them quite amusing. Also, if I'm ever in need of a science project, I can examine this same conflict as an example of survival of the fittest (or, in this case, survival of those with the most fans willing to take a bullet or two).  
Also, some people say that "angry, dorky white guy bands" such as Limp Bizkit (whose name makes my spell-checker cry) or Ko(insert backwards R here)n are absolute nonsense. Again, here I disagree. I think, and I hope I'm not alone here, that all the gun-toting, trenchcoat-sporting angry white guys are better off producing music (or at least trying to) than shooting me multiple times, then blowing me up (just to make sure). Now, I know there are some of you out there who would rather be shot and exploded than listen to one of their songs, but in that case, you can get shot all by yourself, thank you very much.  
Lastly, I must address (by federal law) boy bands. Firstly, I can't say that I like boy bands. I might like them if the artists themselves looked less like asylum escapees and if their songs were a little less brain-liquefying, but as of now, I think they suck. However, similar to the last instance, I'd much rather have them out in Recording Studio Land (population: those with no remaining brain cells) than anywhere near me. I mean, what would you do if you had one of these people around you daily. Myself, I'd start looking for a good razor blade or two (and maybe a few dozen extras, just in case).  
I realize that I may sound just a tad harsh, but you know what? Too bad. You can't do anything about it.  
:-p  
Anyway, I'm going to stop writing now so I can get back to reading my book...and slowly losing my grip on sanity with my radio.  
Make sure to visit me when I'm in my padded room..............................  



End file.
